THE DEVIL AND PAUL BUNYAN
One evening, Paul Bunyan was crossing south into Texas from the Oklahoma panhandle, when Elkanah Halfwright and his men rode out to meet him, clad in blue-painted leathers to warn the giant of their severity. To his followers, Halfwright was a prophet who’d been ordained by a Wandering Bishop of the Lost True Church. The spirit of Pontius Pilate had personally bestowed upon him a key to Hell, that he might show the Lord’s enemies the price of their sins while they yet lived, and cast them forth early lest they failed to repent. As for Paul, well, he was just looking for a place to make camp for the night.
“Hail, Nephilim!” Shouted Halfwright. “You who have walked the Earth without shame since the age of Enoch! I will send you into Hell, to join your Lord Uncle, should you not fall to your knees and beg, now, God's forgiveness! For we know you to have consorted with the Devil, and made mockery of creation through the perversion of your angelic bloodline.”
Paul grinned his famous grin with teeth like houses. “I’ve met plenty of men of the cloth like you, and you’re all kinds of funny about giants like me. Ma and Pa were something else, but they sure weren’t angels! And I’ve also met that Devil of yours. We played a dice game once, and he told me that I lost, though honestly, I didn't know the rules, so I don't know if he was telling the truth! But he was pinned under one of my dice, because they were so very heavy for something small like him. And it was then that he told me, ‘even if I had license to take you, Paul, you wouldn’t fit through Hell’s gates. Get me out from under here, and we’ll just say the dice landed on edge.’ So I let that rascal go, even though a lot of people told me that I shouldn’t have. Now if you and your men would excuse me, I need to lie down, and wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt when I do.”
That night, Halfwright and his riders worked tirelessly to dig a pit a few miles south of Paul’s camp, filled it with all manner of dry brush, from mesquite to sage to tumblemary, and set it alight. They traded a local rancher for a hundred-head of cattle, and led the poor beasts into the pit, where their bones and flesh were left sizzling and smoking by madrugada’s end. Through this plan, they figured, they could fabricate an entrance to Hell large enough to convince Paul of Halfwright’s word, and earn thenceforth his wide-reaching evangelism.
But when Paul saw their labors by light of morning, all he could do was laugh and laugh. “You shouldn’t have! What a fine and fragrant breakfast you’ve made!” And he ate the first ever pit barbecue at their expense.